All the Leaves are Brown...

...and the sky is grey... (though I'm not California dreamin' and it's not a winter day). :)

This is what it looked like just a few weeks ago.

Fall is so pretty here - I wish the trees didn't go bare so quickly.

Country Workout

This is a country workout:

The house is heated by a large wood stove and I've been getting a workout helping Dad haul wood. :)

Five rows deep.

And the herd of cats followed me around - four are pictured below.

Baking Catharsis

I'm still here - in the country, finishing my thesis work.  I have a defense date set and I've been job hunting.  So far so good.  Living here is alternately relaxing and stressful and I've come up with a way to make it less stressful. :)  I've started baking.  Mum, Dad, and the Lil' Sister don't usually eat many sweets, but I seem to need them.  Mum and Dad have subscriptions to 'Food and Wine' 'The Food Network' 'Taste of Home' 'Simple and Delicious'...I've been digging through them to find good sweets to make.  Everything I make has to be gluten free because Mum and Lil' Sister are sensitive to gluten.

So far I've tackled:

Super-Deluxe Rice Crispy Bars - half chocolate and half regular rice crispies with dark chocolate chips.

Chai Cupcakes with a homemade vanilla & spice frosting (Taste of Home recipe) -

Pumpkin Cupcakes with a homemade cream cheese frosting, dusted with ground cinnamon (Taste of Home recipe)-

Pumpkin bars.

Old Fashioned Soft Pumpkin Cookies (verybestbaking.com).

Slow Cooker Apple Pudding Cake (Taste of Home recipe - in the Christmas 2011 book) - so good!  I've made this with and without gluten and it tasted good both times.


Mini Caramel-Apple Cheesecakes (Rachel Ray recipe) - Finicky to make and I had to improvise with the crust because I couldn't use graham crackers.  I also used almonds because we have walnut allergies. (I tried to used pecans, but I burnt them!)

Cinnamon Pumpkin Truffles (Taste of Home recipe).  These did not turn out well.  The middle truffle part was runny and couldn't be rolled.  The only thing I can think of is that the pumpkin was runny, which resulted in a lack of hardening.

Apple Crisp Muffins (Taste of Home recipe) -  I had to do several substitutions and omissions due to allergies or lack of ingredients, but the end result was pretty good.  They make a good fall breakfast treat.

And finally, one I'm especially proud of: Gluten-Free White Bread

I'm proud of this one because I've never been terribly good at making bread.  This dough actually rose and became a properly sized loaf of bread.

To be baked next:
Bones & Blood

Buried Surprise Cupcakes:

Both of these are for a mini Halloween get together.  The cupcakes are especially for Jen's kids. :)

"Broken"

What does it mean when someone says they're 'broken'?  When it comes to a human being, how does one define 'broken'?

I don't know the story behind this PostSecret so I can make no conclusions based upon it, but it did get me thinking.

I wonder how many people believe themselves to be 'broken' in some fashion; physically, mentally, relationally.  The term 'broken' indicates that there was a factory preset that you've managed to mess up.

Not long ago it seemed to me that at any age there was a general life outline (where you should be, what you should be doing, how you should be feeling, etc), a mold that you were supposed to fit into.  If you didn't fit, you were broken and in need of repairs.  I still battle with this misconception of life.  For a long while I thought I was 'broken' when in reality I was setting unrealistic constraints on myself.  I couldn't seem to let myself just be.  Looking back I see no point where I was actually 'broken' and in need of repairs.

"...which is why he'll never love me back".  My idea of a 'broken' self often revolved around my relationship with other people.  If I wasn't in certain relationships then I wasn't fitting into that mold.  This became spiral of damage because to retain relationships, especially friendships, I revealed less of my real opinions and ideas as time went on to minimize conflict.  Then, when one of those ideas came spilling out, I managed to hurt others with my lack of trust.

Somehow, somewhere along the line of growing up, I missed the lesson on self-respect.

"The dismal fact is that self-respect has nothing to do with the approval of others - who we are...has nothing to do with reputation...To do without self-respect, on the other hand, is to be an unwilling audience of one to an interminable documentary that deals one's failings, both real and imagined, with fresh footage spliced in for every screening."
Joan Didion on Self Respect

In my experience the thought of being 'broken', of not fitting into the mold, grew from my inability to accept responsibility for my life - I soaked in the ideas of what everyone else thought I should be, constructed a mold, and berated myself for not fitting into it.  I was trying to live by appearances rather than substance.  "[P]eople with self-respect have the courage of their mistakes.  They know the price of things...They are willing to invest something of themselves; they may not play at all, but when they do play, they know the odds".  Joan Didion's essay on Self Respect is a work that everyone should read.

I feel for the person who sent this PostSecret and though I don't know the situation I hope they can work through the feeling of being broken.  It takes a lot to love one's self, but I've found that it is worth it.

August Twilight

The Sunday PostSecrets were posted early this weekend in preparation for possible Irene induced power outages.

This secret made me smile. I have a friend who has put up with me for 18 years now and I'll love her until the end, no matter what. :)

Adjusting

I started an entry on Sunday, but I never got around to finishing it.  That one was about leaving town.  I came home one day to find that a roommate had scrawled dates on the refrigerator whiteboard.  These dates indicated that I needed vacate my room nearly a week before I had planned.  So this is why I’m sitting in my “office” in my parents’ house in the boonies.  I’m adjusting.

I’m adjusting to the fact that I decided to move home to finish writing my thesis.  This isn’t how I expected to finish.  I’ve entirely justified my reasons, but part of me can’t shake the stigma of living with your parents’ when you’re in your twenties.  I guess it’s more acceptable now than it is in later decades of life.

I’m adjusting to both the quiet and the noise.  I’m adjusting to the quiet of living in the boonies.  There are no neighbors’ dogs barking at all hours (though there is the occasional cat fight).  There aren’t cars driving by a few feet from the house.   There aren’t people walking by, or biking by, or jogging by, single or group. I’m adjusting to the new noise of three other people – people I actually know well and interact with.  It’s odd being in a house where I need to pay so much attention to those I’m living with.  I get a good chunk of time to myself, but there are certain times of the day – early morning, a little after 5 pm, and around 10 pm – when they are coming and going from work.

I’m falling back into nature.  Everywhere I look outside there is green.  Sometimes I feel like I could just stare at the trees for a while, admire the bark and leaves.  I spent part of today working outside in the sun.  The oppressive humidity finally passed last night leaving us with warm, but tolerable conditions outside.  I soaked up the sun and wrote out some of the discussion section.

I sadly have to adjust to slow, limited internet, and extended family.  There is a capped limit on the internet here – we can only use so much, download so much, in a month and if we run out then we’re out of luck.  This means I can’t watch video clips or download anything big.  This definitely puts a crimp in my internet style – I have a large music file I want, but I have to wait until I go somewhere else with free Wi-Fi to do it.  And extended family… The first day I was back entailed becoming a chauffeur for my grandmother.  I will have to adjust to all of the extended family now that I’m in the same town again.

I'm adjusting to a herd of outdoor cats rather than one big indoor dog.  This adjustment is relatively easy since the cats are nearly always around while the dog needed to stay with my roommates.

If I can get myself back on track I think that I’ll be pretty productive here.  I will have to see how it goes.  For now I’m still adjusting. 

Oh Dear.

Sometimes I wonder if I get sucked into media (tv, books, movies) as a way to escape whatever obligation I currently have.  I'm not sure, however, that this latest obsession of mine can solely be explained by my feelings of being overwhelmed by my thesis.  My newest endeavor has been developing for a while...it started with mainstream portrayals of comic book characters, then a couple of books that I like were released in graphic novel form, then I got sucked into the live action version of Witchblade...and to clinch it all I found the first 50 issues of Witchblade free online.  I've been sucked into the world of comics...lord help us all.

While reading the first 50 issues of Witchblade I was introduced to The Darkness and I now want to read those.  I found the first issue for free, but the rest have eluded me-I'm going to have to figure out a way to read them.

I also found out that there was a Wolverine/Witchblade crossover and I want to get my hands on that as well.

Holy crap, what have I gotten myself into?