Running

I would run and jump into bed after turning out the lights before the monsters under my bed could get me. :)

Sunday Secrets

I haven't done this in a while - here are some comments on PostSecrets that caught my attention this week:

I remember feeling this way when I was younger.  I thought I would be 'called' to Africa and then I would be a bad person because I wouldn't want to go.  I was told by a youth pastor that God wouldn't ask me to do something that I couldn't handle.  I found that comforting at the time.  I think I had a hard time figuring out how to steer my own life because I was raised under the idea that someone else would always be doing it for me.  I like life the way it is now.

This comment made me smile.  I find I don't need to be religious to find beauty and wonder in the world and life.

Pity?

I haven't done a Sunday morning Secret in awhile - this one caught my attention:

Why pity?  Pity connotes misfortune and unfavorable circumstances.  Being alone is my default and I like it that way.  I love my friends, but I also need space to breathe, on my own.  This person could mean 'alone' in the sense of not having a significant other and I can see how the public sees this as unfortunate.  One of the first question my grandfather asks when he sees me is if I found 'a special someone'.  I don't prescribe to this point of view.  People can be just fine on their own - it's nothing to pity.

Happy Sunday! Put on some music and dance!

Melting Stress

I passed.  On the 16th I defended my thesis and I succeeded!  The seemingly never-ending loop of grad school closed.  And it feels so good to be done.  I think it is still sinking in.  Now that there is less pressure I'm also more interested in my thesis work - I'm going to look into some avenues that I just didn't get a chance to explore and perhaps they will make it into the journal articles.

Since getting done on Friday I've eaten really good food and devoured a good book.

When I found this author I really wanted to read 'Habibi', but then decided that the high praise given 'Blankets' warranted a reading of it.  Cleo got both of them for me for Christmas and I decided to read them in the order they were published.  I have to say I related to the main character in 'Blankets'.  When he was younger he was plagued with religious guilt and it colored his entire world.  I also related to growing up in rural Wisconsin.

My LilSis is 7 years younger than me so we were never really close when we were small, but we did share a room.  The scenes of him and his little brother sharing a bed often made me laugh, like the one below:

I'm currently in the middle of 'Habibi' and it is a compelling read.

Two PostSecrets that caught my eye this week were:

I wonder the same thing and think maybe this stems from watching too many crime shows.

This one I agree with - if someone wants to give me well-wishes, I don't care what words they use.  I'm not offended.  I've also come to terms with people I love saying that they will pray for me, for the most part, especially when they are sincere.  I am grateful that they are thinking of me and wish me well.


Hoping everyone has a happy Sunday!

Run Away with the Doctor

My favorite secret of this week:

On the back it says "I really want to run with him and see the universe."

Because who wouldn't want to run away with the Doctor - especially a David Tennant Doctor - and see the universe?

Gay Bar

This secret made me laugh:

I met a few great straight guys at a gay bar when I was there with my friends. :)

Gay bars take the pressure off - I can drink without being hit on and the dancing is awesome!


This secret made me sad:

Keeping secrets is hard, especially one this big - I wish I could give her a hug and let her know that she isn't alone.

Parents

The PostSecret that most caught me this week was this:

I have to commend her mother for being there for her daughter.  I know my mother would have done the same for any of her children if they found themselves in this position.  In 'Mamma Mia' Donna told her daughter Sophie that when her grandmother found out she was pregnant, she said not to bother coming back.  We couldn't believe that her mother would be like that.  I know it happens, but I just wish the world could be more loving.

Since it's still near Thanksgiving I will say that I'm thankful for my parents - they've always been there for me.

Grandma's Secret?

My new Sunday thing is to comment on one of the secrets posted online and even though I'm sitting in the hospital I'm going to keep it up.  (Lil Sis is doing well - she's been rehydrated with 6 saline bags and with medication has been worked up to solid food.  We're hoping she will come home today.)

The secret that caught my eye today was this one:

When I was in elementary school my mother's parents got divorced.  Soon after both got remarried.  My grandfather married a woman from Arkansas (Nosy Southerner) and my grandmother married a Methodist pastor (Creepy Pastor).  I was never partial to either of them, as you can probably tell by their nicknames.  The Nosy Southerner is a story for another time, but Creepy Pastor could be the man referred to in the above secret.

When we met Creepy Pastor he and my grandmother were already married.  There was something that my middle school self couldn't put her finger on, something that was off about him, but since I didn't get it, I ignored it.  Only when I heard the whole story, about a year ago, did it click.  Creepy Pastor is skeezy, or as Lil Sis would say, a "Creepy McCreeperton".  He is addicted to pornography and every church he's ever preached at has asked him to leave.  The reason they traveled back and forth across the country was because he had to find churches that would take him.

I remember wanting every pastor that I ever had as a kid to stay at the church.  One time our church split over a pastor and we asked that guy to head the newly established church.  We never asked a pastor to leave.  They only left when they felt their God calling them elsewhere.  The fact that every church asked Creepy Pastor to leave is an added ick-factor for me.

The positive spin here is that my grandmother is now divorced (again) and lives close by.  We are happy that we have her back and she is happier that she has been in awhile.  Creepy McCreeperton is still somewhere in New England - you can keep him! :)

Hairy Sunday

This PostSecret just made me laugh.  I wish I'd thought of this when I had mine cut a while back.  :)

Veterans

www.postsecret.com

Veterans' Day is next week, but there were a few related secrets posted this week.

This picture makes my heart ache-the little boy's face is painful.

What then got me was this statement posted under the Veteran Day secrets: "During the past two years, the US military has lost more men and women to suicide than it has to combat in Iraq and Afghanistan. [ABC News]"

My heart goes out to all soldiers, their families and friends.  So often we take for granted what they've given, sacrificed for the sake of our freedom.

"Broken"

What does it mean when someone says they're 'broken'?  When it comes to a human being, how does one define 'broken'?

I don't know the story behind this PostSecret so I can make no conclusions based upon it, but it did get me thinking.

I wonder how many people believe themselves to be 'broken' in some fashion; physically, mentally, relationally.  The term 'broken' indicates that there was a factory preset that you've managed to mess up.

Not long ago it seemed to me that at any age there was a general life outline (where you should be, what you should be doing, how you should be feeling, etc), a mold that you were supposed to fit into.  If you didn't fit, you were broken and in need of repairs.  I still battle with this misconception of life.  For a long while I thought I was 'broken' when in reality I was setting unrealistic constraints on myself.  I couldn't seem to let myself just be.  Looking back I see no point where I was actually 'broken' and in need of repairs.

"...which is why he'll never love me back".  My idea of a 'broken' self often revolved around my relationship with other people.  If I wasn't in certain relationships then I wasn't fitting into that mold.  This became spiral of damage because to retain relationships, especially friendships, I revealed less of my real opinions and ideas as time went on to minimize conflict.  Then, when one of those ideas came spilling out, I managed to hurt others with my lack of trust.

Somehow, somewhere along the line of growing up, I missed the lesson on self-respect.

"The dismal fact is that self-respect has nothing to do with the approval of others - who we are...has nothing to do with reputation...To do without self-respect, on the other hand, is to be an unwilling audience of one to an interminable documentary that deals one's failings, both real and imagined, with fresh footage spliced in for every screening."
Joan Didion on Self Respect

In my experience the thought of being 'broken', of not fitting into the mold, grew from my inability to accept responsibility for my life - I soaked in the ideas of what everyone else thought I should be, constructed a mold, and berated myself for not fitting into it.  I was trying to live by appearances rather than substance.  "[P]eople with self-respect have the courage of their mistakes.  They know the price of things...They are willing to invest something of themselves; they may not play at all, but when they do play, they know the odds".  Joan Didion's essay on Self Respect is a work that everyone should read.

I feel for the person who sent this PostSecret and though I don't know the situation I hope they can work through the feeling of being broken.  It takes a lot to love one's self, but I've found that it is worth it.

August Twilight

The Sunday PostSecrets were posted early this weekend in preparation for possible Irene induced power outages.

This secret made me smile. I have a friend who has put up with me for 18 years now and I'll love her until the end, no matter what. :)

Sad and Wrong

I like finding fun PostSecrets on Sunday mornings, but today I found one that I had to share because it is so sad and wrong.

I don't think it was wrong of Frank to post it.  If this secret is true it has to be killing whomever sent it.  I really can't imagine anyone doing this.  Sure I've seen plenty of shows where a mother kills her infant, but to me it's just tv.  I have a hard enough time with death as it is, the death of an infant is unfathomable and I hope I never encounter it.  I hope the person who sent this can find some semblance of peace.

Glasses

A Postsecret from today:

I wish that I had 20/20 vision so that I could wear fake glasses.  The black framed pair that I wear before and after I use my contacts make me look smart and bookish.  My eyesight is bad enough that I don't like to wear them during the day - the world blurs unless I'm looking straight at something.  And my glasses with the microscope? Headache waiting to happen.

A reinforcement of this wish is that the David Tennant (and Peter Davison) rendition of the Doctor has brainy specs - he doesn't need the glasses, they just help him think.

Gotta love brainy specs. :-D

Teaching

A PostSecret from 3/13/11:

     A saying I heard my dad utter multiple times throughout my youth (though I can't remember the context): "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

     Its a rather familiar idiom and I think it applies to students as well.  You can present the students with the information they need, but you can't make them learn it.  There are some weeks that I feel my students are completely incompetent and then there are weeks, like this one so far, that I think they're doing alright.  This week my students have two exams and an assignment due.  This is only one of their classes.  There is so much crammed down a college student's throat that its no wonder that even the smart ones will sometimes come off as idiots.  I catch myself from time to time thinking, "Well when I was an undergrad we were smarter than these students..." etc, which is complete bullocks because when I was an undergrad I was in the same situation they are.  I hated my introductory biology classes and nearly jumped ship - it was only when I got my hands on upper level classes that I rediscovered my joy for it.

     The other side to this is that some students don't really want to learn.  They came to college because its the expected next step for most high school students these days.  Its sometimes hard to excel at something if you really don't want to be doing it.  These students bother me.  I understand that they're doing what is expected of them, but I sometimes wish that they'd go into the work force for awhile before coming to college.  Hopefully it would give them some perspective as to what they want to do in the long run - they may work harder and appreciate what they're learning more.  I must admit to being somewhat hypocritical in this case.  I came to grad school partially because it was the next thing to do.  I speak from experience when I say that its hard to finish something if your heart isn't completely in it.  The statements above apply to both undergraduate and graduate school.  I maybe should have waited another year or so before getting a master's degree, but since I've come this far I'm going to finish.  I'm going to do my best to finish well.

Beauty

One of the PostSecrets from this week was something I've thought from time to time. :)

I have to be careful of what I wear so that I don't look like a slut.  I also have to be careful what I wear when I'm teaching or I'll give my students a free show when I bend over to help them with microscope work.  I waffle between being happy with them and being embarrassed by them.  I found this book when I was working at Barnes and Noble several years ago and its been one of my favorites ever since:

It is beautiful photography and with each picture comes an excerpt written by that person on how they feel about their body, what they think beauty is, or a story from their past.  When I'm feeling self-conscious I can turn to this and know we are beautiful no matter our shape or size - and that others have struggled with their self-image as well. Too often we are shown the perfect way to be and we, men and women alike, kill ourselves to attain that image.  I think we should celebrate our uniqueness more often.  If we were all the same life would be so boring - likely our genetics would be too and that would cause complications all its own.

I am, in general, procrastinating right now. :)  I have a meeting with my advisor in an hour and a half and my brain is still in Beaver Bay.  That break was wonderful, but now I'm having a hard time getting back to work.  My mind wanders to topics like this... and Captain Jack Harkness - he keeps appearing in my dreams.

Off to stare at my computer screen for a little while longer. :)

PostSecret

     One of my favorite things to do on a Sunday morning is to sip my coffee while reading the new batch of PostSecrets.  Sometimes if I'm bad I'll sneak a peak on Saturday night before I go to bed - but I'll read them again in the morning.  One of the new secrets answered a question I had this week: do therapists sometimes think its all just bullshit?  My therapist is a really great guy, but this week I could sense that he was just tired.  There are a lot of commitments on his plate right now - he mentioned many of them during our session.  He dispensed sound advice that will help me out, but it seemed like my troubles were a bit bullshit in comparison.   He would never say so - we each have our own troubles to deal with and in my world my problems are important - but that day, to him, I couldn't help but wonder if he was thinking that it was all a bunch of drivel. :)  I took no offense if he did think so since he still helped me.  I actually found this post secret comforting.