Melting Stress

I passed.  On the 16th I defended my thesis and I succeeded!  The seemingly never-ending loop of grad school closed.  And it feels so good to be done.  I think it is still sinking in.  Now that there is less pressure I'm also more interested in my thesis work - I'm going to look into some avenues that I just didn't get a chance to explore and perhaps they will make it into the journal articles.

Since getting done on Friday I've eaten really good food and devoured a good book.

When I found this author I really wanted to read 'Habibi', but then decided that the high praise given 'Blankets' warranted a reading of it.  Cleo got both of them for me for Christmas and I decided to read them in the order they were published.  I have to say I related to the main character in 'Blankets'.  When he was younger he was plagued with religious guilt and it colored his entire world.  I also related to growing up in rural Wisconsin.

My LilSis is 7 years younger than me so we were never really close when we were small, but we did share a room.  The scenes of him and his little brother sharing a bed often made me laugh, like the one below:

I'm currently in the middle of 'Habibi' and it is a compelling read.

Two PostSecrets that caught my eye this week were:

I wonder the same thing and think maybe this stems from watching too many crime shows.

This one I agree with - if someone wants to give me well-wishes, I don't care what words they use.  I'm not offended.  I've also come to terms with people I love saying that they will pray for me, for the most part, especially when they are sincere.  I am grateful that they are thinking of me and wish me well.


Hoping everyone has a happy Sunday!

One Week

This past week, while NewMom (now NewWife&Mom) was on her honeymoon, I locked myself in her house and worked on my thesis presentation.  The NewWife&Mom's house has great internet and 4 cats that lent to some stress relief.  Bob in particular decided to help me out.  The cats aren't supposed to be on the counters or tables, but while I was there they seemed to think it was a free-for-all:

When he wasn't prowling through my things he was sitting on my lap, curled up, keeping me warm.  On Thursday I presented the dry run to my lab and advisor.  Their input was great - it will make the real presentation so much better.

I have to say I'm not looking forward to the rest of today and next week.  By this time next week I will either have graduated or be really depressed.

I'm going under a self-imposed quasi- house arrest to work on my presentation and defense prep.

I'm defending on Friday the 16th.  On the 17th I'm opening a Christmas present I know is full of books and I will spend at least a day not thinking about Bythotrephes.

Bythotrephes in Lake Erie - Photo by Andrea Jaeger Miehls, MS

Adjusting

I started an entry on Sunday, but I never got around to finishing it.  That one was about leaving town.  I came home one day to find that a roommate had scrawled dates on the refrigerator whiteboard.  These dates indicated that I needed vacate my room nearly a week before I had planned.  So this is why I’m sitting in my “office” in my parents’ house in the boonies.  I’m adjusting.

I’m adjusting to the fact that I decided to move home to finish writing my thesis.  This isn’t how I expected to finish.  I’ve entirely justified my reasons, but part of me can’t shake the stigma of living with your parents’ when you’re in your twenties.  I guess it’s more acceptable now than it is in later decades of life.

I’m adjusting to both the quiet and the noise.  I’m adjusting to the quiet of living in the boonies.  There are no neighbors’ dogs barking at all hours (though there is the occasional cat fight).  There aren’t cars driving by a few feet from the house.   There aren’t people walking by, or biking by, or jogging by, single or group. I’m adjusting to the new noise of three other people – people I actually know well and interact with.  It’s odd being in a house where I need to pay so much attention to those I’m living with.  I get a good chunk of time to myself, but there are certain times of the day – early morning, a little after 5 pm, and around 10 pm – when they are coming and going from work.

I’m falling back into nature.  Everywhere I look outside there is green.  Sometimes I feel like I could just stare at the trees for a while, admire the bark and leaves.  I spent part of today working outside in the sun.  The oppressive humidity finally passed last night leaving us with warm, but tolerable conditions outside.  I soaked up the sun and wrote out some of the discussion section.

I sadly have to adjust to slow, limited internet, and extended family.  There is a capped limit on the internet here – we can only use so much, download so much, in a month and if we run out then we’re out of luck.  This means I can’t watch video clips or download anything big.  This definitely puts a crimp in my internet style – I have a large music file I want, but I have to wait until I go somewhere else with free Wi-Fi to do it.  And extended family… The first day I was back entailed becoming a chauffeur for my grandmother.  I will have to adjust to all of the extended family now that I’m in the same town again.

I'm adjusting to a herd of outdoor cats rather than one big indoor dog.  This adjustment is relatively easy since the cats are nearly always around while the dog needed to stay with my roommates.

If I can get myself back on track I think that I’ll be pretty productive here.  I will have to see how it goes.  For now I’m still adjusting. 

Timeline

It seems I have my work cut out for me.  I've ironed out a schedule for my thesis.  This means that from now on I'm going to ignore the "how's your thesis going?" questions or succinctly answer, "Fine".  No offense to those who love me and are asking out of genuine compassion, but I can't take it anymore.

I am the only one in my immediate family to get a 4 year degree (so far, my little sister is working on hers) let alone a post-graduate degree.  I am one of three that I can think of that have a higher education in my extended family.  I think my great-uncle went to graduate school for mathematics and one of my uncles, by marriage, went to MSOE.  My friends and family have every faith in me, but none of them know what this is.  They don't know what this is like mentally.  I'm at the computer stage in the comic above.  And my energy flux is as follows:

My favorite questions, now mostly coming from my seemingly senile grandfather, is "so what is she going to do with that degree?  Is she going to teach?"(Because as a woman, why else would I get a degree but to teach?).  He has asked this so many times that it has become a family joke.  I'm tempted to tell him that I got this much of an education to become a hooker, but that might scare his good ol' Baptist heart to death - sarcasm goes right by him.

I've started a new daily schedule to attempt to be productive.  At the moment I'm not being productive because my brain went into a temporary meltdown.  There were words and numbers on the computer screen but my brain ceased to be able to interpret them.  So, here I am, blogging and sipping tea.  I had a small snack and soon I'll go back to analysis.

Happy Monday all.

Stressed Monday

I don't think I ever fully understood the amount of stress associated with graduate school.

 I heard the horror stories, the aftermath, but it must not have sunk in.  I understand now.  Nothing ever goes the way it was planned - sample collection is insufficient, analysis takes twice as long as expected, samples are compromised, identification of species takes more expertise than originally thought...etc, etc, etc.  I'm on my third year in a two year program and I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs until I get some data from another researcher.  Okay, I've been writing the parts of my thesis that I can, but I can't do in depth analysis until I get that data.  I might have to be a fourth year student, which is really frustrating.  There are several, almost all, other graduate students in this program take more than two years, but I had planned on being done before I turned 26.  My life is in limbo and I'm not happy about it.

Monday Discombobulation

It's finals week here at the university and that means I finally have a chance to breathe.  Well, after 10 am today I've finally had a chance to breathe.  This morning I was rudely awoken by the fact that I had overslept and that I had ten minutes to get my rear end into the school to proctor an exam.  I've been trying to recover all day.  The reason I slept in is twofold: 1) I accidentally turned the ringer on my phone off so even though I'd set two alarms, I didn't hear either, and 2) I started the newest Sookie book last night around 9:30 and finally passed out around 2 am after finishing all but 51 pages of it.  I can't tell if the book was so good that I couldn't put it down or if it was my own compulsion to finish it.  The Sookie books are such easy reads that I am unfazed by the triple digit page count - I want to finish them in one sitting.  It only took me around 5 and a half hours to finish the book, but I was rudely interrupted by my biological need to sleep.  I was lucky this morning that I squinted at the clock around 7:30 am or I would have been embarrassingly late.  As it was I was only embarrassingly out of shape.  I ran 3/4th of the way and managed to irritate the lining of my throat, have a minor asthma attack, and have to fight the nausea that accompanied my zero to sixty on little sleep and no food.  It wasn't pleasant, but I do so hate to be late.

So here I am procrastinating again.  I had a pretty productive meeting with my advisor this afternoon even though I spent nearly all of last week grading papers.  Some days I feel like I know what I'm doing when it comes to my thesis.  Some days I feel I have absolutely no clue.  Ricocheting between the two states is frustrating, but today at least I held my own and added substantive ideas/comments.

This weekend was Mother's Day and since I live within driving distance of my parents I decided I had better head home for this holiday.  I'm glad I did.  The weekend was filled with good food all made by my dad.  There was sunshine and warm weather, wild animals and baby kittens.  I broke out the camera and got some fun pictures of my sister and dad when we (my sister and I) were following dad while he puttered around with his plants.  I now have black and white photos of him being a lumberjack and a gardener.

Even though I've been procrastinating I still think today is a justifiable go-home-early day, early being 5pm.  I might start another book or I might watch some more of 'The Mentalist'. :)

Semester End

The end of the semester can get a bit crazy.  Stress wears you down, tempers flare, and all you want is for it to be over.

Yesterday I finished grading my students' final reports.  I uploaded their corrected papers and entered their grades.  Last night around 9:30 pm I got a slightly irate email from a student who was not pleased with their grade.  The email was a bit of a rant really. "I changed so much and I did SO much work!" Thinking that maybe I was a bit harsh on grading I went and checked his paper.  And then I went a bit ape.  

I understand that my class isn't the only one you have.  I understand that the end of the semester gets crazy.  I've been there.  I've been there for 6.5 years- 12 trimesters, and 5 semesters.  I GET IT.  Here is what I don't understand - I spent a lot of time grading all of those papers.  I talked to them about it in class - how to get those points on the last report.  Some of the points my irate student lost were on grammar.  I pointed out what needed to be changed in his first two reports.  I spoke about them in class because many students did the same thing.  I waved my arms emphatically in the air stating I would take off points.  When he didn't change anything in the last report to that effect, I didn't give him any points in that section.  I sent this student his paper again, this time with a step by step explanation of what was expected in each section (basically the same as two documents I had already sent out before they wrote their papers).  I have to say that at least this student wasn't completely irrational.  Once he saw what was expected he admitted that he didn't understand the topic as well as he had thought.

One irate student down, who knows how many to come.  They have their lab exam tomorrow and I know I will be helping some of them with the questions (they get them ahead of time) during my office hours today.

Knowing that I wasn't always the most awesome student myself during college I want to thank those students who came in for help, who turned things in on time, who asked pertinent questions (or hell, just asked anything to do with the general area of our current topic), who kept up on the class lectures, and made lab more enjoyable.  I don't mind nosy students, I don't mind quiet students, rambunctious students, goofy students, serious students, or the I-could-care-less students.  I mind when you don't do the work then expect me to pat you on top of the head and give you a gold star (aka an A).

I'm procrastinating again.  I've gotten very good at it.  I've also gotten very good at freaking out. :)  My lease is up in 3 months, my job ends this month, and I can't get a job in my field until I get my degree.  I can't get my degree until I finish my paper and I can't finish my paper until I can do some sound analysis, which I can't do until I have the Cesium-137 dating back.  See how I can spiral? I'm trying to nip this in the butt by doing important parts that need to be done, but don't need statistical analysis or interpretation, like my methods section! Woo!

This was me in 2007 with piles of sources on the lab bench the day my honors project was due.  I'm hoping I can finish this time without killing myself.

Productivity vs Peace

Despite my fatigue on Wednesday I was actually relatively productive;  I measured 154 Daphnia ephippia.

From my readings and input from other researchers I've identified these three ephippia (top to bottom) as belonging to a Daphnia mendotae, D. retrocurva, and D. pulex.  Yesterday I was somewhat productive measuring around 170 ephippia.  At this rate I will hopefully have finished this sample set by Wednesday.  Hopefully before.

I have yet to leave the house today because I'm relishing the quiet.  Its something I rarely encounter - or let myself encounter.  I'm usually the only one in the lab at night, but even when I'm not playing something on the computer its not silence that I get.  The environmental chambers click and hiss constantly - its nearly impossible to meditate in there.  No, this silence is different and precious.  I have the house to myself - no roommates, no dogs.  There is a very slight breeze outside, just enough to lighten the fog.  The neighborhood is quiet - very occasionally a vehicle will drive by and I will see its movement in the reflection of my glasses.  There is a sip or two of cold coffee in my mug on the desk.  The furnace from time to time tosses warm air into the room.

I'm going to have to move in a few months.  I'm nowhere near done with my thesis.  I remember when I first moved up here.  I had finished moving my boxes into this room.  There was a space near the window with a patch of sunlight.  I was so exhausted that I sat down for a minute and before I knew it I fell asleep.  No one was here then either.  When I woke up the sun was gone and the wind had picked up.  A fearsome storm hit the town - thunder so close that the house shook.  It was beautiful.  We haven't had a storm as wonderful since.  The room seemed bigger then, perhaps because I didn't have all of these shelves in here.  I keep wanting to buy books - more and more books - but the thought of moving them all keeps the money in my pocket.  Amazon and NPR keep suggesting all of these books to read and I just wish I could get my hands on them.  I know, public library, but I've been here for nearly 3 years and I don't feel like bothering now.

I read a snippet of The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore by Benjamin Hale and I really want to get it now.  I also want to read Tina Fey's Bossypants and The Adults by Alison Espach.

If only I would let myself relax enough to read.  Even now, enjoying this quiet, there in the back of my brain is a frantic voice.  Its yelling at me for being unproductive.  Its screaming really - its almost always screaming.  Even when I'm being productive its screaming that I'm not being productive enough.  There has to be a balance between productivity and peace - a way to shut that voice up or tone it down.  Intellectually I know that if I don't allow for these moments of peace I will burn out.  I burnt out after my last year as an undergrad.  I ran hot until I turned in my senior project and then I fell to pieces.  Looking for an apartment with Elanore was all a bit of a haze - we ended up in a ramshackle apartment complex that never felt like my space.  Then again, neither did the next place, or this place.  Maybe that's why today feels so precious - with no one here this feels like my space.

April Fools

Nature's April Fool's Day prank was to dump snow on us just after giving us several days of warmer weather.  The snow was nearly gone.  I have a picture of some friends and I on a bridge on a warm October afternoon - the trees are all still green and the sky so blue.  This is the image I keep in my mind's eye when looking out at a landscape covered in snow.  Soon - soon there will be green again and it will last for a few months.

I'm not sure why but this picture has always spoken to me about our differences.  I'm walking on the left hand side while the other three are on the right.  You can't see Elanore, the photographer, but I've always associated her as being on the right hand side.  All three of them are married now.  They are also all very religious, some variant of Christianity (Baptist, Methodist, and Lutheran). Even their order in the picture seems relevant.  Elanore is behind the camera - she has her own life but it always seems like she's following behind someone else.  Cleo is out in front like always - she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to go get it.  She is very strong, independent, and outspoken.  Liz is behind her, she also knows what she wants and has strived toward it.  She is a little less outspoken, more of a follower, but independent enough.  I'm on my own on the left, watching.  Seems I've always been watching, but not really living.  I'm not outspoken and have a tendency to follow.  These years in grad school have been good for me.  I've had no one to follow and I've had to find my own footing.  In this picture we're all traveling down the road of life, but I've diverged from the road they've taken.  I watch, but keep to my own.

So I've started over again on my Daphnia data collection.  Hopefully I have my search images right this time.  I don't want to have to start again, again.

This weekend is going to be spent grading lab reports.  I'm hoping very much that not all of them waited until yesterday to start it.

I've started listening to music rather than television shows while working on the microscope and I'm really glad I had my Paste subscription while they were giving away music.  I've discovered so many new artists by letting my iTunes randomly shuffle through my collection.  The current album I'm listening to is 'Life Like' by The Rosebuds.

Well, I had better continue working.  Happy Friday!

Panic

My iTunes has a knack for playing songs that reflect my current situation.  Recent song titles have been, "Wasted Time" "Killing Time" and "Something's Gone Awry".  Two things, of the many problems today, make these songs pertinent.

My advisor just dropped what shouldn't be a bombshell on my head.  Lets just say I didn't take it well.  To his face I was relatively calm (may have had a slightly panicked look in my eye) but I got through it.  When he left I went to the bathroom and had a fit.  He suggested I sign up to teach next semester, just in case.  Now, this doesn't seem like a big deal - just in case you don't finish you have a safety net.  Yeah, great.  The problem is I don't want to have to have a safety net.  I was the F**K out of here.  I don't want to teach EVER again or at the very least I want a few jobs in between.

Shortly before this revelation I found out that I was going to have to start the samples I'd been working on all over again.  I spent last Wednesday in this lab and got a good chunk done.  That day was now just wasted.  All the work I did over spring break on these samples, wasted.

So basically I want to curl up in a ball and cry or throw things or bang my head against a wall.  This is how my time as a graduate student has been for nearly the entirety of the 2.75 years.  I'm only a master's student - according to the university I should have been gone last year.  So really its feels like I'm chucking away years of my prime for the hell of it.  Something has definitely gone awry.

Spring Break

     One of my students was surprised and seemed slightly alarmed that I wasn't going anywhere for spring break.  I find this kind of amusing since the reason I love spring break is that there are no students.  They can all go flittering about the country, the world, but I'll stay here where its quiet and peaceful.

     I should really be stressing out right now, but because its the beginning of the week and my open time for working seems endless, that stress hasn't manifested yet.  I spent the morning and early afternoon working in my favorite coffee shop and I was actually pretty productive.  I finished my second draft of my Methods section and informed my advisor that I'd made a calculation error that influences all of my results so far.  That second task was the most nerve wracking thing I've done today.  One little miscalculation and my values were halved.  All the statistics I've done so far weren't affected (the values only increased by a factor of two, none of the trends changed), but I have to remake all of the graphs.  Sometimes when I'm beating myself up over not having enough done I think of these times - if I had killed myself making a ton of graphs based on the old data I would be redoing all of them now.  This way I'll be making some of them for the first time and the data will be right.

Bythotrephes longimanus (Spiny Water Flea).  Picture from Iowa DNR.

This is my study subject, the spiny water flea, an invasive zooplankter species that originated in Europe and Asia.   Below is the range expansion so far of Bythotrephes within the U.S.

Property of the USGS

     I visited with some friends from college yesterday. Cleo, her husband Kris, and married couple Elanore and Justin.  I went to school with Cleo, Elanore, and Justin.  Kris was the only one of the four of them that has also been in grad school.  I felt like the fifth wheel in our group.  They've all been out of school for years now.  They're interests and daily worries are very different from mine.  When I met up with them they were chatting about house sizes and prices in various cities around the U.S.  In their free time they all play board games, something I rarely ever do.  They even brought board games for us all to play.  I participated in one, watched another, but felt like I didn't really fit in anymore.

 Its an odd thing to realize how little you have in common with college friends after a few years.  They asked me how my thesis was going.  I can give answers, but only Kris has the slightest knowledge of what its like here.  They've all settled into their life outside of academia and I'm still here, waiting, working, trying to get past it all.  I hope its all worth it.