Rainy Saturday

     The rain is coming down in sheets outside this dimly lit bakery.  Its as if the Earth is playing a child's game with our weather: put the days in order, but make sure ones of the same color don't touch!  Monday was sun and warmth, Tuesday cold and a rain/snow mix, Wednesday snow, Thursday cool and cloudy with some snow, Friday sun and warmth, and finally today, Saturday with torrential rain.  If this continues it is likely that tomorrow will be a snow rain mix.
    Despite, or maybe because of, the weather I felt I needed to leave the house.  I spent the morning cozily in my pjs and robe, sipping my coffee and finishing 'The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore'.  The beginning of the book tells you where it will ultimately end, but the journey is long, winding, and verbose - and this isn't meant as a criticism.  The story Bruno tells is long (and according to him he leaves reams out) and winding out of necessity - he becomes cultured, gains language and deeper thought, something that doesn't happen over night for humans, let alone chimpanzees.  His evolving relationship with Lydia Littlemore may throw some and sicken others, but if you can look past it the story ultimately revolves around what it means to be human.  Bruno often calls us anthropocentric and muses on how this shapes our actions and beliefs.  I found it to be a very good book and one I will likely mull over for some time.
     Here in the bakery/coffee shop the couple next to me are reading trivial pursuit cards to one another while they eat.  I'm sitting on the small stage that when not supporting musicians holds two tables.  I face the room rather than the window in order to better people watch.  Immediately in front of me is another couple, older than the one next to me, chatting.  To their left a student, her tabled piled with an array of notebooks, a textbook, her coffee mug, pens, pencils, and her macbook.  Her earbuds close out the sound of us all.  To the right of the older couple is a solo man with his back to me.  Perhaps he too is people watching while he sops up his soup with a piece of bread.

    I opened a lab report from one of my students, but I can't quite bring myself to ruin this peacefulness with the stress that accompanies grading.  I would much rather write here or work on filling in my book shelf on Goodreads - a site a friend from B&N brought to my attention through Twitter.
     Since I have been sitting here all of the above described people have left except for, of course, myself.  Another student has come, also plugged into an iPod, and occupied the table next to me.  She faces the window with her textbook and notes.  The solo man's table stands empty. The older couple's table emptied and occupied and emptied again.  The student's table now has a pair of middle aged women who seem very good friends.  Glancing out the window behind me, my head just above street level, I see that the rain hasn't ceased.  It still drenches the streets, cars, people, and pets that dare to venture outside.  My coffee is nearly empty and I'm entertaining the thought of having more.  This particular dark roast has a hint of a carmel sweetness in the aftertaste.

     Time seems to be slipping away like sand through my fingers.  This entire month was a blur.  Monday comes around and it feels like it's then suddenly Friday and I've gotten nothing done during the week.  The stress and preoccupation of my thesis work has led to forgetfulness.  I forget to eat, I forget to call people.  Students ask me to correct their grades and I have to write on post-it notes in order for anything to get done.  I wanted my Master's degree to be my birthday present to me in July, but the rate at which time disappears and my seeming lack of productivity there within makes me think that I may have to wait even longer to finish.

Proven

My youngest sibling's facebook status: I was recently informed that all of the elements in our body came from star dust really it's a proven scientific fact. WE WERE CREATED FROM DUST!!!!! Once again science proves that God it ALIVE. Jesus is alive and risen. Sing praise for he saved us.

One, I want to tell her that nothing in science is "proven", a concept that I continually try to convey to my general biology students.  We find evidence, support, but nothing is a "proven scientific fact" - not even gravity.  Two, I want her to realize that science can neither 'prove' nor 'disprove' the existence of a god.  Religious beliefs are subjective and unfalsifiable.  They have no place in science.  Three, I want to fix her grammar. :-D  Every facebook status of hers is riddled with run on sentences or, usually, multitudinous sentences sans punctuation.

Talking with my sister about points one and two probably wouldn't go over well in my family.  They try to be moderate in their beliefs and to not make waves.  I've done the same.  My beliefs are no longer the same as theirs, but we don't talk about it.  I think my mother would get defensive if I tried to talk to my sister about these things - mom already has two children that no longer attend church, she doesn't want to lose the third.  In any case it's a journey my sister has to take on her own.  She's only 18 and at that time I had some qualms, but nothing really upset my belief system back then.  She may be devout her entire life, but I hope that she has roots for why instead of blind faith.  Maybe her faith will be stronger than mine ever was.

Bruno

Some books I devour in one sitting.  Some I devour in smaller chunks.  The latter approach is the one I have to take with 'The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore' by Benjamin Hale.  I bought it for myself as a treat based on the review written by NPR and the excerpt of the first few pages.  Since I started it last night I've had to start treating it like coffee.  My body can only take one cup of coffee at a time.  Even though I want more I know that I will overload and it will impair my mental capacity.  With this book I can only take one chunk at a time.  Any more and my brain doesn't properly process the happenings, the thought processes of Bruno and I really want to meaningfully absorb as much of this as possible.

Last night I came across these sentences:

"If you ever have children, tell them they must always be drunk.  Drunk on love, drunk on poetry, drunk on wine, it doesn't matter.  This world is too goddamn painful to waste a second of your existence sober." (p93).

There is a point in life when you realize that the world around you does not necessarily line up with the one you've built up in your head.  Essentially you have a clash with 'the real world'.  Some people hit upon this early through unfavorable circumstances.  I've led a sheltered life and have been truly fortunate.  My coping mechanism is to not let myself be "sober" mentally.  I stay in that constructed world in my head.  When I make myself sober-up, when I make myself be ever present in the moment it can be painful.  There are obviously times when I'm not in my own head - I teach, I study, I communicate (albeit poorly) - and during these times I have to be present.  I think I stay in my own little constructed world because of this:

"...we, and I mean humans, are meaning makers.  We do not discover the meanings of mysterious things, we invent them.  We make meanings because meaninglessness terrifies us above all things.  More than snakes, even.  More than falling, or the dark.  We trick ourselves into seeing meanings in things, when in fact all we are doing is grafting our meanings onto the universe to comfort ourselves.  We gild the chaos of the universe with our symbols.  To admit that something is meaningless is just like falling backward into darkness." (p184)

When I'm in 'the real world' I find a void of meaning.  In my own mind just being is meaning enough, but put into the context of the world, the galaxy, the universe - what is my purpose?  I've shed my previous ideas of purpose (spreading the word of God, trying to be a good Christian so that I could get to Heaven, more importantly avoid hell, etc), the constructs I used to gild over the chaos of the universe.  My guideline now is just to be - but outside that?  I'm lost.

This is why I like thoughtful novels (among other types).  This book may not give me any answers, but its bringing up ideas to contemplate.

Passing of Sarah

Elisabeth Sladen passed away yesterday at the age of 63 after a prolonged battle with cancer.

I had no idea that she was ill and was hoping that she would reappear a few more times in the Doctor Who series.  She was a thread tying the old series to the new and her character has been continually delightful.  I haven't watched the Sarah Jane Adventures, but I might have to now to see more of her.

Rest in peace, you will be missed.

Easter

     Easter has never been one of my favorite times of the year.  Rabbits, eggs in bright, cheery colors, flowers, and baby animals; it's as if we're trying to give our subconscious a nauseatingly-cutesy defibrillation to wake it up from the winter dreary. In this part of the U.S. there's usually some snow still on the ground when we got all gussied up to go to church.  After we finished hunting for easter eggs and other sweets around the house (some of which weren't found until later in the year) we would go put on our Easter duds.  When I was younger my mother made frilly dresses for both my sister and me.  We would be wearing frilly dresses with bunnies, white lacy gloves, lace trimmed socks, white buckle shoes, and large white hats that sat on top of our curled and hairsprayed stiff hair.  There would be some variation on this outfit every year.  Sometimes I would have a matching hair clip instead of a hat, sometimes I would have a little white purse to go with the outfit.  Who knows, maybe when I was little I love dressing up like that. My mother also made us frilly dresses for Christmas every year.  It was a very loving gesture and we were praised for our outfits, but looking back I'm slightly horrified.

       The Christian tradition doesn't bother me today, but in my memory going to church Easter Sunday meant sitting and listening to how humans are a faulty creature.  Jesus had to die in order for us to be whole and even then we had to devote our lives to this being.  For me, and maybe my memories are tainted by my mindset now, its a holiday where you are reminded how unworthy you really are.

The other aspect of Easter, which seems ridiculous, is rabbits and eggs.  I believe its linked to the pagan celebration of the spring equinox, but what its morphed into seems a bit daft.  I just set up the Easter village in the bay window yesterday.  For some reason I'm the only one who can set it up "the right way".  I think my sister just wants an excuse not to do it. :)  The Easter version of the village is so cutesy that it makes me slightly nauseous.  There are little dressed up bunnies in various forms of action - carrying signs with little carrots on them, planting flowers, watering a garden, walking arm in arm, holding a flowered arch, etc.  I set it up with the Easter pieces because I know it means a lot to the rest of my family.  If I were to do it my way there wouldn't be any pastel buildings or personified bunnies.

I have had some nice Easters.  This year I'm going to opt out.  I'm going to use my thesis as my excuse and stay away from the festivities that will ensue at my parents' house.

This year will be a celebration of the coming of spring by, weather permitting, reading by the lake.  Money will soon be tight, but I'm going to buy myself a book as a treat for handling the winter in a mentally healthy way.

Happy Spring!

Sarah Jane Smith

     The old series of Doctor Who, what episodes I have access to here in the U.S., are classic entertainment.  Yes, the special affects were, well, "special" and the plot lines were sometimes a bit slower than we're used to today, but they're still entertaining.  Part of their charm is in how horrible some of the monster/alien costumes are (the aliens in the 'Ark in Space' are green cloth covered bubble wrapped people who inched along the floor like worms - it was hysterical!).  I started with the fourth doctor, Tom Baker, because he was the face I associated with Doctor Who from age 5.  I've backed up now, to the third doctor, Jon Pertwee.  Last night I watched 'Carnival of Monsters', and the evening before "The Time Warrior".  I watched them in the wrong order, but it gave me a greater appreciation for Sarah Jane Smith (Elisabeth Sladen).

Sarah Jane Smith (Elisabeth Sladen) with the third Doctor (Jon Pertwee)

     The companion prior to Sarah Jane Smith, Jo, was rescued constantly.  She often gave up when a situation seemed dire and with near constance acted like a dumb blonde.  There were a few moments of bravery in 'Carnival of Monsters', but mostly she was a bit of a drag.  The writer, Robert Holmes, would have continued to write in characters like Jo who screamed bloody murder and waited for the Doctor to swoop in and save them, but the prevalence of Feminism wouldn't let him get away with it any longer.  This was the birth of the character Sarah Jane Smith.  Sarah was an investigative reporter who constantly asked questions and got herself into trouble.  In 'The Time Warrior' she takes her aunt's place in a secret government facility where scientists have been disappearing.  The Doctor figures out where the scientists are being taken and uses the Tardis to follow their trail.  Sarah stows away on the Tardis.  When they land in the middle ages Sarah is taken hostage by Irongron and his band of ruffians/thieves (all the troops are at battle leaving much of the land up for grabs for groups like this).  Unlike other companions Sarah isn't cowed by her attackers.  Even when confronted with Irongron she talks back, asks questions, and refuses to be taken advantage of.  She manages to get away, taking another prisoner with her who takes her to the neighboring castle.  There she concocts a plan to kidnap the Doctor who she believes is behind the missing scientists.  Her plan is successful and after she figures out that the Doctor isn't the enemy they join forces.  She is instrumental in the success of the following plans.

Scene from 'The Time Warrior'

     In essence Sarah Jane Smith handles whatever situation she is put into with courage.  Her character actually has a hand in moving the plot line along rather than holding it back.  Elisabeth Sladen worked well with both Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker.  

Elisabeth Sladen with the fourth Doctor, Tom Baker 

     She is also the only classic companion so far to have her own spin off television show (The Sarah Jane Adventures) and return in classic episodes and in the new Doctor Who series.  

K9, Elisabeth Sladen, and the tenth Doctor, David Tennant

     The writers must have decided that after Sarah Jane Smith there would be a compromise on the next companion.  Leela (Louise Jameson) was a warrior.  Her character was a brave, strong fighter, but her outfit was barely there.  So the women got a strong female character and the men got gaping cleavage and long legs to stare at.

Leela (Louise Jameson)

     The new Doctor Who series writers have worked hard at making any traveling companions strong characters in their own right.  Sarah Jane Smith was the first companion in this trend.  Through her time on Doctor Who there were still traces of the frail female (she was hypnotized by the Doctor and baddies left and right), but essentially she was a fresh take on the assistant character.   

Planned Parenthood

Straight off, I stand with Planned Parenthood.

The debates across the country and on Capitol Hill about the funding of Planned Parenthood have started to drive me crazy.  What drives me the most mad are the lies that Defunders spread. Republican Senator from Arizona John Kyl stated on the Senate floor that "...if you want an abortion you go to Planned Parenthood.  And that's well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does."  His office then later said that his statement wasn't meant to be factual.  Then why the f*ck would you say it on the Senate floor, a place where facts should be front and center?

Because basic math will tell you that 3% = well over 90%.

Another state representative that makes me mad is Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) who openly opposes continued funding for Planned Parenthood.  Bachmann spoke on the House floor about Planned Parenthood express centers, how women are, "picking up Starbucks, living their daily lives, and stopping off to have an abortion". The express centers make picking up birth control, finding a place for STD and pregnancy testing more convenient.  She spoke in Illinois about how the President of the local Planned Parenthood stated that they "want to become the LensCrafter of big abortion for Illinois". Anderson Cooper called her out on this quote - she made it up!  The real quote by Steve Trombley (CEO of PP IL) was, "I like to think of it as the LensCrafter of family planning". If she doesn't understand why making up a quote is wrong then she needs to go back to kindergarten.  She also stated that Planned Parenthood is "one of the largest political organizations that you can imagine".  This is also a lie.

Bachmann is testing the waters for her chance at being a Republican Presidential candidate.  Dear god save us.

There are a multitude of similarly minded representatives.  I am very grateful that President Obama put his foot down about defunding Planned Parenthood during budget debates.  The fight won't stop, but we won't back down.  From the NPR article in Morning Edition today, "Florida State professor Rohlinger says what the anti-abortion movement hates most about Planned Parenthood is its persistence: "It basically stands in the way of its primary goal, which is to make the abortion procedure inaccessible in the U.S." I will stand up with Planned Parenthood to make sure they are annoyingly persistent.


I may have some out there thoughts on the reasons for having abortion available.  I personally believe that it should be a last resort, but that it should be an option.  From an ecological sense, considering that the current human population is approaching 7 billion, there is no reason that a woman can't have complete control of her reproductive organs.  If, say, conditions were like they are in 'Children of Men', then I could see people having a fit over abortion.  If there were a situation where the survival of the human species were at risk, then maybe, maybe I could consider taking away the right to have an abortion.

The incessant chatter from all sides on this topic made me crazy enough to blog about it.  Now, hopefully, I'll be able to go back to the lab and concentrate on working.

Productivity vs Peace

Despite my fatigue on Wednesday I was actually relatively productive;  I measured 154 Daphnia ephippia.

From my readings and input from other researchers I've identified these three ephippia (top to bottom) as belonging to a Daphnia mendotae, D. retrocurva, and D. pulex.  Yesterday I was somewhat productive measuring around 170 ephippia.  At this rate I will hopefully have finished this sample set by Wednesday.  Hopefully before.

I have yet to leave the house today because I'm relishing the quiet.  Its something I rarely encounter - or let myself encounter.  I'm usually the only one in the lab at night, but even when I'm not playing something on the computer its not silence that I get.  The environmental chambers click and hiss constantly - its nearly impossible to meditate in there.  No, this silence is different and precious.  I have the house to myself - no roommates, no dogs.  There is a very slight breeze outside, just enough to lighten the fog.  The neighborhood is quiet - very occasionally a vehicle will drive by and I will see its movement in the reflection of my glasses.  There is a sip or two of cold coffee in my mug on the desk.  The furnace from time to time tosses warm air into the room.

I'm going to have to move in a few months.  I'm nowhere near done with my thesis.  I remember when I first moved up here.  I had finished moving my boxes into this room.  There was a space near the window with a patch of sunlight.  I was so exhausted that I sat down for a minute and before I knew it I fell asleep.  No one was here then either.  When I woke up the sun was gone and the wind had picked up.  A fearsome storm hit the town - thunder so close that the house shook.  It was beautiful.  We haven't had a storm as wonderful since.  The room seemed bigger then, perhaps because I didn't have all of these shelves in here.  I keep wanting to buy books - more and more books - but the thought of moving them all keeps the money in my pocket.  Amazon and NPR keep suggesting all of these books to read and I just wish I could get my hands on them.  I know, public library, but I've been here for nearly 3 years and I don't feel like bothering now.

I read a snippet of The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore by Benjamin Hale and I really want to get it now.  I also want to read Tina Fey's Bossypants and The Adults by Alison Espach.

If only I would let myself relax enough to read.  Even now, enjoying this quiet, there in the back of my brain is a frantic voice.  Its yelling at me for being unproductive.  Its screaming really - its almost always screaming.  Even when I'm being productive its screaming that I'm not being productive enough.  There has to be a balance between productivity and peace - a way to shut that voice up or tone it down.  Intellectually I know that if I don't allow for these moments of peace I will burn out.  I burnt out after my last year as an undergrad.  I ran hot until I turned in my senior project and then I fell to pieces.  Looking for an apartment with Elanore was all a bit of a haze - we ended up in a ramshackle apartment complex that never felt like my space.  Then again, neither did the next place, or this place.  Maybe that's why today feels so precious - with no one here this feels like my space.

Glasses

A Postsecret from today:

I wish that I had 20/20 vision so that I could wear fake glasses.  The black framed pair that I wear before and after I use my contacts make me look smart and bookish.  My eyesight is bad enough that I don't like to wear them during the day - the world blurs unless I'm looking straight at something.  And my glasses with the microscope? Headache waiting to happen.

A reinforcement of this wish is that the David Tennant (and Peter Davison) rendition of the Doctor has brainy specs - he doesn't need the glasses, they just help him think.

Gotta love brainy specs. :-D

Wednesday

Holy mid-day crash Batman!   This seems to happen every day and is worst on Wednesdays.  Wednesdays I just want to give up.  Monday and Tuesday I'm all geared up to be productive.  Wednesday is a reality check.  Thursday and Friday I'm productive again because there is potential for a partial break over the weekend.  In terms of productivity Wednesdays just suck.

Maybe I'll wake up after I go for a walk.  This has been my energy gaining method for the past few days.  The toning shoes have worked on my glutes and the lower left side of my back.  Maybe my muscle tone is still uneven from fencing.  That or I've created an uneven muscle tone by lugging this huge bag around.

I'm trying to make it through my office hours.  This little blogging spurt did the trick! Woot! Freedom!

Donna Noble

Sunday evening, after I had burnt out on grading papers, I watched 'Splice' and then a few episodes of Criminal Minds.  Both did nothing to help me sleep that night.  Splice wasn't scary, [*mini-spoiler*] it was the sexual violence in the last bit that stuck in my subconscious.  Then watching Criminal Minds there was more sexual violence.  Usually this doesn't get to me, but that night I had a hard time with bad dreams.

Last night, after I worked until 10:30 pm (and finished the grading! Woo!), I wanted to watch something wholesome yet mature - something fun.  This is where Donna Noble enters the picture.

 Of the three Eccleston-Tennant companions I think Donna is my favorite because she's a companion without the complication of falling in love with the Doctor.  They're best friends running throughout time and space.  How awesome is that?

She seemed a bit annoying the first time she appeared in the Christmas Special 'Runaway Bride'.  She was obsessed with pop culture and finding the right man - she was actually getting married the first time we meet her.  After meeting the Doctor she becomes more open-minded and a lot of fun.

I love the first episode where they're reunited, "Partners in Crime".  This scene just cracks me up:

Between them is a room where the current episode's alien is revealing secrets.  Donna and the Doctor have both been looking into the suspicious activities of Adipose Industries and have just run into each other.

They start mouthing things to each other across the room.

I wonder if they had to practice mouthing the words at all because you can understand everything they say.

It really is brilliant - especially when Ms. Foster catches them. "Am I interrupting something?"

I watched this episode and then I watched "The Unicorn and the Wasp".  It's one of the more light hearted episodes of season 4.   In this one they meet Agatha Christie.

In one scene the Doctor is poisoned and is trying to convey the things he needs to reverse the process.

 Her interpretations make me laugh and all the stress of the day just melts away.

I didn't think I'd like Donna at first, but I have to say - she's become my go to when I need to feel better.  And there were no bad dreams last night. :)

Grading

The grading marathon begins....

The joys of being a GTA. :)

April Fools

Nature's April Fool's Day prank was to dump snow on us just after giving us several days of warmer weather.  The snow was nearly gone.  I have a picture of some friends and I on a bridge on a warm October afternoon - the trees are all still green and the sky so blue.  This is the image I keep in my mind's eye when looking out at a landscape covered in snow.  Soon - soon there will be green again and it will last for a few months.

I'm not sure why but this picture has always spoken to me about our differences.  I'm walking on the left hand side while the other three are on the right.  You can't see Elanore, the photographer, but I've always associated her as being on the right hand side.  All three of them are married now.  They are also all very religious, some variant of Christianity (Baptist, Methodist, and Lutheran). Even their order in the picture seems relevant.  Elanore is behind the camera - she has her own life but it always seems like she's following behind someone else.  Cleo is out in front like always - she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to go get it.  She is very strong, independent, and outspoken.  Liz is behind her, she also knows what she wants and has strived toward it.  She is a little less outspoken, more of a follower, but independent enough.  I'm on my own on the left, watching.  Seems I've always been watching, but not really living.  I'm not outspoken and have a tendency to follow.  These years in grad school have been good for me.  I've had no one to follow and I've had to find my own footing.  In this picture we're all traveling down the road of life, but I've diverged from the road they've taken.  I watch, but keep to my own.

So I've started over again on my Daphnia data collection.  Hopefully I have my search images right this time.  I don't want to have to start again, again.

This weekend is going to be spent grading lab reports.  I'm hoping very much that not all of them waited until yesterday to start it.

I've started listening to music rather than television shows while working on the microscope and I'm really glad I had my Paste subscription while they were giving away music.  I've discovered so many new artists by letting my iTunes randomly shuffle through my collection.  The current album I'm listening to is 'Life Like' by The Rosebuds.

Well, I had better continue working.  Happy Friday!