Productivity vs Peace

Despite my fatigue on Wednesday I was actually relatively productive;  I measured 154 Daphnia ephippia.

From my readings and input from other researchers I've identified these three ephippia (top to bottom) as belonging to a Daphnia mendotae, D. retrocurva, and D. pulex.  Yesterday I was somewhat productive measuring around 170 ephippia.  At this rate I will hopefully have finished this sample set by Wednesday.  Hopefully before.

I have yet to leave the house today because I'm relishing the quiet.  Its something I rarely encounter - or let myself encounter.  I'm usually the only one in the lab at night, but even when I'm not playing something on the computer its not silence that I get.  The environmental chambers click and hiss constantly - its nearly impossible to meditate in there.  No, this silence is different and precious.  I have the house to myself - no roommates, no dogs.  There is a very slight breeze outside, just enough to lighten the fog.  The neighborhood is quiet - very occasionally a vehicle will drive by and I will see its movement in the reflection of my glasses.  There is a sip or two of cold coffee in my mug on the desk.  The furnace from time to time tosses warm air into the room.

I'm going to have to move in a few months.  I'm nowhere near done with my thesis.  I remember when I first moved up here.  I had finished moving my boxes into this room.  There was a space near the window with a patch of sunlight.  I was so exhausted that I sat down for a minute and before I knew it I fell asleep.  No one was here then either.  When I woke up the sun was gone and the wind had picked up.  A fearsome storm hit the town - thunder so close that the house shook.  It was beautiful.  We haven't had a storm as wonderful since.  The room seemed bigger then, perhaps because I didn't have all of these shelves in here.  I keep wanting to buy books - more and more books - but the thought of moving them all keeps the money in my pocket.  Amazon and NPR keep suggesting all of these books to read and I just wish I could get my hands on them.  I know, public library, but I've been here for nearly 3 years and I don't feel like bothering now.

I read a snippet of The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore by Benjamin Hale and I really want to get it now.  I also want to read Tina Fey's Bossypants and The Adults by Alison Espach.

If only I would let myself relax enough to read.  Even now, enjoying this quiet, there in the back of my brain is a frantic voice.  Its yelling at me for being unproductive.  Its screaming really - its almost always screaming.  Even when I'm being productive its screaming that I'm not being productive enough.  There has to be a balance between productivity and peace - a way to shut that voice up or tone it down.  Intellectually I know that if I don't allow for these moments of peace I will burn out.  I burnt out after my last year as an undergrad.  I ran hot until I turned in my senior project and then I fell to pieces.  Looking for an apartment with Elanore was all a bit of a haze - we ended up in a ramshackle apartment complex that never felt like my space.  Then again, neither did the next place, or this place.  Maybe that's why today feels so precious - with no one here this feels like my space.