Anger and bitterness are emotions that have in the past entrenched my life - I can't grow as a person if I harbor a deep seeded resentment for someone or something. I managed to work through issues of resentment toward a friend and it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Our friendship is healthier and likely will stand the test of time so long as we both accept one another - which brings me to the issue I've been dealing with for, well, as long as I can remember. My friend is very religious and during college our views parted ways. We never spoke about it, or rather, I never mentioned it, because I was afraid I would lose her. I loved her, in more ways than I should have. We still don't talk about it because I'm still afraid of losing her. I'm afraid she won't accept me anymore - in the beginning of our friendship we were two peas in a pod with similar beliefs and based on that we grew closer. Now I feel like I'm on a separate island, belief-wise, a chasm that can't be breached. My parents, sister, and closest friends (save one) are all with her.
I harbor some residual anger toward Christianity, the religion I was brought up in. It wasn't all bad - I know that I am who I am today because of the influences of the church. I try to be a good person and treat others fairly. I also grew up in the middle of nowhere and led a very sheltered life until the age of 18. By the age of 16 or 17 I was starting to feel at odds with the beliefs set out by the church. I started to feel out of place even though I'd gone to church camp since a young age, I was a part of the youth group and then a life team, I sang in the youth band, I went to the Nightmare House*, and I was a part of a small Human Video** group. There was never an atmosphere in my house that you didn't question God or Christianity - it just never came up. I was slightly zealous in my teenage years and though it may have kept me out of trouble I think it was detrimental in the long run. I tried so hard to be, to do what was necessary to be, a good Christian. When I ascended to heaven God would say, "You've done well, my child." I imagined over and over again what that would be like. I never felt good enough, I always fell short, and I became a master of self-flagellation. Its only in the past few years that I've come to realize how negative I am toward myself.
I guess my anger may stem from the fact that no one told me that religion is subjective. I was raised under the idea that Christianity is the only right way - everyone else is wrong and therefore going to hell. For a long time I wasn't aware of other religions. I was very sheltered and thought that everyone held these beliefs. Once I was finally exposed to a more diverse set of people (thank you college!) and my eyes were fully opened the numbers no longer made sense. There are around 6 billion people on the earth at this very moment and according to my childhood church only a select few would go to heaven - all of the others would go to hell. That alone rubs me the wrong way. A god that would allow that many people to suffer for eternity - that is no god I want to know.
There is a lot more to the twisted path that got me to where I am now including stints with the Feminine Devine, Wicca, Buddhism, and Atheism. The idea that fits me best is Agnostic. I don't believe in god, but I have no way of knowing, no one does, whether or not there is a god. I try to accept others' beliefs, but anger still gets me when people try to tell me that I'm wrong and that their way is the only right way. Anger still sneaks up when people try to console me using religious phrases, "Its okay - God only gives us what we can handle." I don't mind if someone wants to pray for me, its nice of them to think of me. I mind when people try to shove religion, theism or atheism, down my throat. I'm trying to work through that residual anger.
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| Snapped during a road trip that took us through the bible belt. |
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*'Nightmare' was the local version of a Hell House - a Christian built and run version of a haunted house thats meant to scare you straight into Jesus' arms. Hell House Documentary Description.
**If you've never heard of Human Video NPR just did a story on it: NPR story, "Human videos reenacting christian pop songs for jesus". I was part of a much smaller group than the one shown, and allowed to use props, but I can't believe I was ever a part of such a thing.
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