Panic

My iTunes has a knack for playing songs that reflect my current situation.  Recent song titles have been, "Wasted Time" "Killing Time" and "Something's Gone Awry".  Two things, of the many problems today, make these songs pertinent.

My advisor just dropped what shouldn't be a bombshell on my head.  Lets just say I didn't take it well.  To his face I was relatively calm (may have had a slightly panicked look in my eye) but I got through it.  When he left I went to the bathroom and had a fit.  He suggested I sign up to teach next semester, just in case.  Now, this doesn't seem like a big deal - just in case you don't finish you have a safety net.  Yeah, great.  The problem is I don't want to have to have a safety net.  I was the F**K out of here.  I don't want to teach EVER again or at the very least I want a few jobs in between.

Shortly before this revelation I found out that I was going to have to start the samples I'd been working on all over again.  I spent last Wednesday in this lab and got a good chunk done.  That day was now just wasted.  All the work I did over spring break on these samples, wasted.

So basically I want to curl up in a ball and cry or throw things or bang my head against a wall.  This is how my time as a graduate student has been for nearly the entirety of the 2.75 years.  I'm only a master's student - according to the university I should have been gone last year.  So really its feels like I'm chucking away years of my prime for the hell of it.  Something has definitely gone awry.