Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Panic


My iTunes has a knack for playing songs that reflect my current situation.  Recent song titles have been, "Wasted Time" "Killing Time" and "Something's Gone Awry".  Two things, of the many problems today, make these songs pertinent.

My advisor just dropped what shouldn't be a bombshell on my head.  Lets just say I didn't take it well.  To his face I was relatively calm (may have had a slightly panicked look in my eye) but I got through it.  When he left I went to the bathroom and had a fit.  He suggested I sign up to teach next semester, just in case.  Now, this doesn't seem like a big deal - just in case you don't finish you have a safety net.  Yeah, great.  The problem is I don't want to have to have a safety net.  I was the F**K out of here.  I don't want to teach EVER again or at the very least I want a few jobs in between.

Shortly before this revelation I found out that I was going to have to start the samples I'd been working on all over again.  I spent last Wednesday in this lab and got a good chunk done.  That day was now just wasted.  All the work I did over spring break on these samples, wasted.

So basically I want to curl up in a ball and cry or throw things or bang my head against a wall.  This is how my time as a graduate student has been for nearly the entirety of the 2.75 years.  I'm only a master's student - according to the university I should have been gone last year.  So really its feels like I'm chucking away years of my prime for the hell of it.  Something has definitely gone awry.

Birthday

Having entered the new year without you is an odd feeling.  Looking at my calendar and seeing that its your birthday is odder still.

You are sorely missed by all who knew you.  Your laugh brightened any room you were in.  I remember you being so tough and mischievous, a good balance to my mom who is meeker but still mischievous.  I remember the two of you sitting at your dining room table.  My mom would sit and you would bring over the glasses with ice for your cokes.  You would sit and I could hear you laughing upstairs from my friend's room.  You would chat about your children, your husbands, people from church, and god knows what else.

On Halloween I would come over to your house to hand out candy to the kids with your daughter because my family lived in the boonies and didn't get to do it.

During the winter there were always ice candles on the back porch or even along the driveway.  There was usually a brandy slush out there too that you let me have a sip of well before I was of age to drink.

When Jen and I were younger, writing stories together, you were the one to fill in the swear words because we were too chicken to.

You constantly opened your house to kid groups of all kinds.  The youth band would crowd around your table to eat the delicious lasagna you'd made.

You were my link to Jen when separate colleges got the better of us.  Through you and mom I was able to keep up on how she was doing and visa versa.

Your strength is inspiring.

We miss you.

Happy Birthday.

Monday, March 28, 2011

French Press

... and other thoughts.  Okay, I'm definitely procrastinating.  I have a meeting with my advisor in an hour and my head is still in the weekend.  This usually happens on Monday mornings.  By this afternoon I should be in high gear.  This usually happens after a good jolt of coffee. :)

Over the weekend I went home to visit the family.  My brother was up, which only happens every so often, so I figured I'd better get myself down there.   He brought with him a french press that he never uses.  The one I have is like the one pictured.  The one he gave me is for two people at least.  I filled up my travel coffee mug and half of my Mad Hatter mug with it.  Needless to say I will have a good coffee buzz later today.

Every time we come home my parents bring out the fatted calf and fill us with so much food I'm ready to burst.
That prime rib was sooooooo good and I adore sauteed mushrooms and onions.  I overload on beef when I'm home - I eat very little meat here because of preparation time.

Over the weekend I also graded papers and I came upon this great answer:
 Now, I couldn't give any points for this answer, but I still love a good turtle drawing. :-D  They had the questions for this exam two weeks in advance...so I'm not sure how this one slipped by - must have been a brain fart.

Even though my family can drive me nuts I really do love them.  This weekend was great because both of my siblings were there - it balanced the dynamics out.  I really like when all five of us are crowded in the living room to watch a movie - especially with mom because she's usually sleeping during the day so that she can work at night.  My dad was flipping through the channels after the movie and said "Oh look, its Rock Mountain Horror Picture Show".  My brother and I just lost it.  Can you picture the Rocky Horror Picture Show in hillbilly style? We laughed so hard we cried.

Just picturing the Time Warp or Sweet Transvestite in a country twang had me laughing so much I was gasping for breath.  I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time.  My youngest sister hasn't seen it, so she didn't get it - but eventually she'll probably grow out of the conservative vein she's in.  I know when I was younger I wished I was an only child - now I'm glad that I'm not. :)

Okay, I really should get prepped for my meeting.

As the university store clerk said, "Happy Monday!"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

DWTS: Guilty Pleasure

      I don't like most reality television shows - they drive me a bit mad, but I have to admit my secret love of DWTS.  When there are good celebrities I like the show more - mostly I watch it for this man:

Maksim Chmerkovskiy
     This man can dance and its wonderful to watch.  I'm not a big fan of his partner this season, but they're both loud mouths so it should work out - except there probably won't be any fancy lifts or fun stunts unless she loses a few pounds...

     I watched the dances from the show (I usually skip the critiquing, scores, and blather in between) and Maksim and Kirstie Alley danced to Cee Lo's 'F**k You' (clean version of course, its ABC).  The song got stuck in my head overnight.  This morning it was running on loop while in the shower, on the way to school, and while proctoring an exam.  The problem came when I'd finished most of my coffee: caffeine + upbeat song = dancing. I tried to keep it to a minimum, but happy dancing is fun. :) I know two of my students, at least, noticed.  They're the two that laugh at me behind my back for my over use of hand gestures while talking (its a family thing).  Hopefully the rest of the students were paying enough attention to their exams that they didn't notice. :-D

Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Teaching

A PostSecret from 3/13/11:


     A saying I heard my dad utter multiple times throughout my youth (though I can't remember the context): "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

     Its a rather familiar idiom and I think it applies to students as well.  You can present the students with the information they need, but you can't make them learn it.  There are some weeks that I feel my students are completely incompetent and then there are weeks, like this one so far, that I think they're doing alright.  This week my students have two exams and an assignment due.  This is only one of their classes.  There is so much crammed down a college student's throat that its no wonder that even the smart ones will sometimes come off as idiots.  I catch myself from time to time thinking, "Well when I was an undergrad we were smarter than these students..." etc, which is complete bullocks because when I was an undergrad I was in the same situation they are.  I hated my introductory biology classes and nearly jumped ship - it was only when I got my hands on upper level classes that I rediscovered my joy for it.

     The other side to this is that some students don't really want to learn.  They came to college because its the expected next step for most high school students these days.  Its sometimes hard to excel at something if you really don't want to be doing it.  These students bother me.  I understand that they're doing what is expected of them, but I sometimes wish that they'd go into the work force for awhile before coming to college.  Hopefully it would give them some perspective as to what they want to do in the long run - they may work harder and appreciate what they're learning more.  I must admit to being somewhat hypocritical in this case.  I came to grad school partially because it was the next thing to do.  I speak from experience when I say that its hard to finish something if your heart isn't completely in it.  The statements above apply to both undergraduate and graduate school.  I maybe should have waited another year or so before getting a master's degree, but since I've come this far I'm going to finish.  I'm going to do my best to finish well.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Beauty

One of the PostSecrets from this week was something I've thought from time to time. :)

I have to be careful of what I wear so that I don't look like a slut.  I also have to be careful what I wear when I'm teaching or I'll give my students a free show when I bend over to help them with microscope work.  I waffle between being happy with them and being embarrassed by them.  I found this book when I was working at Barnes and Noble several years ago and its been one of my favorites ever since:
It is beautiful photography and with each picture comes an excerpt written by that person on how they feel about their body, what they think beauty is, or a story from their past.  When I'm feeling self-conscious I can turn to this and know we are beautiful no matter our shape or size - and that others have struggled with their self-image as well. Too often we are shown the perfect way to be and we, men and women alike, kill ourselves to attain that image.  I think we should celebrate our uniqueness more often.  If we were all the same life would be so boring - likely our genetics would be too and that would cause complications all its own.

I am, in general, procrastinating right now. :)  I have a meeting with my advisor in an hour and a half and my brain is still in Beaver Bay.  That break was wonderful, but now I'm having a hard time getting back to work.  My mind wanders to topics like this... and Captain Jack Harkness - he keeps appearing in my dreams.

Off to stare at my computer screen for a little while longer. :)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Cove Point

     I've just made my way back from a wonderful weekend in a secluded lodge on Superior's north shore.  My first impression of the room was a slight disappointment - I think I'd built it up in my mind, put it on a pedestal.  After that I settled right in.  The first thing I did was open the shutters and admire the view.  My room overlooked Cove Point - that little stretch of rock pictured here.
The second action was to turn on the fireplace.  With a thump, then a quiet whoosh, flames shot up and started to heat the room.

 Because I wasn't used to the silence yet I turned on the television.  There was nothing good on cable and the movies they had left for me were not at all appealing, Something About Mary and Footloose.  Both Pride and Prejudice and The Princess Bride were in my bag, but even in that setting I wasn't feeling like either of them.  Instead I opted for a show I'd grabbed at the last minute, one I'd had with me on my last vacation, but rarely had time to watch because I was the only one who liked it.  The familiar sounds of The West Wing filled the room.  I debated going downstairs to the dining room, but didn't feel especially social.  Instead I munched on the provided popcorn and then did this:


That jacuzzi was amazing.  I never get to do this - I stayed in for a very long time, bubbles up to my chin.  Just the sight of it made me laugh.  The jacuzzi was in the main room so I soaked and watched several episodes of the West Wing.

When I shut off the tv I grabbed a book to read and it was then that I heard the waves.  They  slowly crept into my subconscious and I surfaced from the pages, wondering at the sound.  It brought back so many pleasant memories of Grand Cayman- falling asleep and waking to the sound of the ocean's waves.  Here though, I had the room to myself.  Those waves were mine alone.  I sat and read - pausing occasionally to just listen.

After I had read well into the book sleep called me - a phenomenon that happens less and less often.  I shut off the light and got another treat - one I will never forget.  With the light off I could see the small remains of the fireplace fire.  I could also see light streaming in through the blinds.  I cracked them open, slats facing the sky, and moonlight poured in.   It was so bright that it illuminated the room.  It was the kind of moonlight that you could drive without headlights in, if you were daring enough.  That image of the moonlit room, with some residual light from the fire, and the sound of the waves will stay with me.

The scene naturally linked itself back to a similar night from my freshman year in college.  That night we wanted to get away from college, away from homework, away from the pressure.  Neither of us had much money - we weren't going to stay anywhere, but instead we hopped in his car and started driving north.  The moon was just as bright that night.  We drove so far - far enough to leave the state and end up standing on the shore of Lake Michigan.  It seems I'm connected to these Great Lakes.  He parked the car and we walked out onto a pier.  The wind was biting cold, but it couldn't take away from the beauty of the moon shining out over the water.  The only noise the sound of waves lapping the shore and our breath seeping into the dark.

The next morning I opted not to join strangers for breakfast, but instead brewed some coffee and continue reading my book.  Outside the door I found a newspaper underneath a brown whicker basket filled with juice and muffins.  I pulled up the blinds, sat with my feet on the sill and enjoyed the morning.  I read, I sipped my coffee, and I watched the couples roam around outside.  It was a beautiful day and warm judging by the lack of hats, mittens, and scarves I saw.  There were several people out on Cove Point for most of the morning.

 Eventually I decided to roam outside myself and enjoy the wonderful weather.  I got my old shoes from my car along with my winter weather gear.  I should have left my hat, gloves, and scarf in the car because after hopping around on the rocks on the lake shore I didn't need them.





This is the Lodge from the edge of the lake.











I have too many pictures so I'm only going to add this one from my roving on the shore.









Last night I dined in the formal dining room with a book.  I did get some looks from the couples eating at nearby tables, but I didn't much mind.  I had a salmon sandwich and for dessert a slice of honey cinnamon cheesecake.  There was so much cheesecake that I had to take it back to my room.  I ate the rest of it while in the jacuzzi, watching more West Wing.  That done I cracked another book and soaked the night away.  I'd enjoyed the fireplace a bit too much and the room was sweltering so I cracked the window when I went to bed.  The clouds obscured the moon, but I listened to the waves and smelled the wood smoke from the bonfire on the shore.

It was sad to leave this morning - I got up earlier than usual, waking to the Company of Thieves, to enjoy another small pot of coffee and the morning paper.  The room was chilled so I got to enjoy the fire for a bit longer.

I'm back in my own room, being inundated with chatter from family, but I won't let the worries and stresses of graduate life wash over me until tomorrow.  This is still my weekend.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Spring Break

     One of my students was surprised and seemed slightly alarmed that I wasn't going anywhere for spring break.  I find this kind of amusing since the reason I love spring break is that there are no students.  They can all go flittering about the country, the world, but I'll stay here where its quiet and peaceful.

     I should really be stressing out right now, but because its the beginning of the week and my open time for working seems endless, that stress hasn't manifested yet.  I spent the morning and early afternoon working in my favorite coffee shop and I was actually pretty productive.  I finished my second draft of my Methods section and informed my advisor that I'd made a calculation error that influences all of my results so far.  That second task was the most nerve wracking thing I've done today.  One little miscalculation and my values were halved.  All the statistics I've done so far weren't affected (the values only increased by a factor of two, none of the trends changed), but I have to remake all of the graphs.  Sometimes when I'm beating myself up over not having enough done I think of these times - if I had killed myself making a ton of graphs based on the old data I would be redoing all of them now.  This way I'll be making some of them for the first time and the data will be right.

Bythotrephes longimanus (Spiny Water Flea).  Picture from Iowa DNR.
This is my study subject, the spiny water flea, an invasive zooplankter species that originated in Europe and Asia.   Below is the range expansion so far of Bythotrephes within the U.S.

Property of the USGS

     I visited with some friends from college yesterday. Cleo, her husband Kris, and married couple Elanore and Justin.  I went to school with Cleo, Elanore, and Justin.  Kris was the only one of the four of them that has also been in grad school.  I felt like the fifth wheel in our group.  They've all been out of school for years now.  They're interests and daily worries are very different from mine.  When I met up with them they were chatting about house sizes and prices in various cities around the U.S.  In their free time they all play board games, something I rarely ever do.  They even brought board games for us all to play.  I participated in one, watched another, but felt like I didn't really fit in anymore.



 Its an odd thing to realize how little you have in common with college friends after a few years.  They asked me how my thesis was going.  I can give answers, but only Kris has the slightest knowledge of what its like here.  They've all settled into their life outside of academia and I'm still here, waiting, working, trying to get past it all.  I hope its all worth it.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Budget Repair Bill

Tonight the Republican Senators of Wisconsin decided, "Gee, let's bypass the Democratic vote" in order to usher in the Budget Repair Bill that strips WI union workers of their collective bargaining rights (except for police and firefighters).

I'm seriously feeling ill over this one.


"In 30 minutes, 18 state Senators undid 50 years of civil rights in Wisconsin. Their disrespect for the people of Wisconsin and their rights is an outrage that will never be forgotten," said Democratic Senate Minority Leader Mark Miller. "Tonight, 18 Senate Republicans conspired to take government away from the people."
The lone Democrat present on the special committee, Democratic Assembly Minority Leader Peter Barca, shouted that the meeting was a violation of the state's open meetings law. Republicans voted over his objections, and the Senate convened within minutes and passed the measure without discussion or debate.
~NPR article linked above
How could they vote on a bill like this with only one representative from the Democratic party?  I thought this was a Democracy- I thought that the people we voted into the Senate would be able to voice our opinions! I seriously thought this wasn't an option.
I recorded this dream after the protests had started:
"Vote (2/21/11)
            The Republican Senators of WI held a vote on Walker’s Budget Repair Bill and it passes.  They do this without any of the Democratic Party being present.  I try to protest, arguing that they can’t have a vote without any of the minority party present, but they are leaving the room.  The last one stands, taps his papers on the dark glossy wooden surface of the table and simply states, “Yes, we can, and did.” and leaves.  I sit on the floor, in shock."

I've been recording the dreams that stick with me to mine later for possible inspiration.  This one stuck with me because it was disturbing.  If I'd only known!  I mean, there was one Democrat present, but there wasn't much they could do.

I have a sinking feeling that I'm going to have to look elsewhere for work in a few months.

Protests in Madison, WI (from cnn.com)




Sunday, March 6, 2011

Tangents

I had an idea for a blog entry yesterday but put it off so long that it flittered away and all that I am left with is a series of tangents.

The first tangent being that I love water.  I was spiraling yesterday - camped out in my room, in my own head - and the thing that brought me back was a long hot shower.  A shower always seems to do that.  It frees my mind and I am content.  That first blast of hot water falling on my head is a pagan baptism.  I guess that's why I am so excited about my weekend away from this place.  The room I got has a jacuzzi.  I haven't been able to soak in water since Christmas vacation.  If I could I would be doing this right now:
With even more candles.  Flames are comforting as well.

I've been reading the Nikki Heat books by Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion).  They aren't half bad.  I liked that they reintroduced me to John Singer Sargent's 'Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose', one of Nikki's favorite pieces.
I do envy childhood bliss sometimes.  Not knowing about all the horrible things that have happened, that could happen, would be nice.  Not having to worry about the protests in WI and whether or not there will be a job waiting for me when I'm done.  Not having to worry about women's rights being suppressed, having less control over my own body.  Those two little girls are young enough to have few cares.  They're lighting the lanterns before they run off to play in their white dresses.

I find the situation in WI and the attacks on Planned Parenthood troublesome.  I wanted to work for the state when I graduated, but there may be no place for me over there.  I worry about the attacks on Planned Parenthood - the attempts to defund life saving cancer screenings, access to birth control, and contraceptives.  Conservatives and pro-lifers squawk that if they were to never provide abortions again that there would be plenty of funding.  I find that utter bullshit.  I've never had an abortion, but there may come a time when I need one.  I don't expect that I will, but I want the option.  It sickens me that some want to take a step back in women's health care.  Abortion should be the last stop, the last choice, but it should be there.  Women's health care starts with providing information, some information that I was not privy to at my relatively conservative, though public, school.

Enough on that tangent. :)  I can't think of another one I'd like to talk about now so I think I'll go back to watching Doctor Who.  I finally watched 'The End of Time' the last two episodes with David Tennant.  I'd put it off so long because I didn't want to see him go.
"I don't want to go."